i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
