In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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