at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize