They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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