Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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