Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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