Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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