he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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