hell yes lets make some ravioli
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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