Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize