Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
