I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
