mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
