drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
