then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
