I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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