i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
