what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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