The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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