I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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