you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
I bet heβd be surprised by the epic blow job heβd get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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