Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
