my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
