my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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