Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
