I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
