dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
