She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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