apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
