even my farts smell like vagina
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
