in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
