I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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