My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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