how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize