Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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