We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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