Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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