Someone shit on the floor
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
