You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
