Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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