just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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