is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize