they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
