Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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