i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
