He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
