i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Randomize
