he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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