YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
