Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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