Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
