I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
