I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
