There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
The best revenge is premature balding
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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