I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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