I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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