Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
it hurts more in the daytime
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bring me that man meat
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