We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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